Depression, Anxiety and Grace Too July 3, 2019
Never have I been more anxious about an upcoming show. With literally hundreds of performances under my guitar strap, what would make this time so unsettling?
Ever since I was a young lad of 8 years old - playing air guitar on a tennis racket to KISS albums, I haver always known that I wanted to be in a band, write and perform original tunes. My first steps on that path were established. After 20 years of improving and playing anywhere with a series of cover bands, I decided to recklessly throw myself into becoming an original artist.
Things started to happen and I got to work with some remarkable musicians in the unfortunatly named band, "dirt Road home". But as with every band, there were forces that pulled the guys away from the project, months became years....Just as I felt we were establishing a footprint - everything unravelled and we performed our last set in 2016. I was crushed.
The loss of the band, my extended family, brought forth a particularly deep period of depression. Previously, I would use the healing properties of music to lease life's sting, but the thought of playing hurt in a way that was tangible. I put my instruments in storage, and shut down that part of my being.
After a year of despair, I found a spark of determination. I knew that picking up the guitar again could possibly lead to much suffering. I chose to risk happiness. My plan to recovery was simple:
- I would pick up my guitar everyday, if even to only put it down.
- I wouldn't play my old original material, it wouldn't sound as good as with dRh.
- I wouldn't play songs by other artist.
This strategy put me into a position with no expectations. I could approach the guitar as a newborn. Everything I played was made up on the spot. Each day was unique. Somewhere in the process I wrote a couple of riffs which I dug, that eventually evolved into songs - and then the demos for Fire & Rain and Black M@gic Spell. the curse had been broken.
Optimistically, I booked a festival performance, figuring 6 months was enough time to assemble a band. Ongoing and repeated attempts to find the right musicians have been without success. Fear of loosing another decade convinced me that I could take the stage, for the first time as a solo performer?
In two days, I will stand there, exposed before you, willing to prove why I deserve to be there. I am beyond anxious.
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